It's Complicated

It’s Saturday. Maybe the world’s most beautiful Saturday weather-wise in the whole world. Or it certainly feels that way seeing as how it is February and we have had some bone-chilling colds this winter. Regardless, it’s gorgeous outside and Mr. Sun came out to shine today like he was made to do it... and uhhh, I think he was. So on this glorious day, what is it that I find myself doing at 7:45 am, you ask? I’m driving to class. Yes, I have an 8 am - 2:45 pm class for the next six Saturdays. You could say I am less than pleased about it. Anyway, I’m driving to school this morning and testing out some of my favorite worship music from college. And on comes the song that was my absolute anthem through my junior and senior year of school. My internal instincts are immediately at war with each other:

“I love this song.” 

“I’m not ready for this song.” 

“I know every word by heart.” 

“Do I believe it though now?” 

“It hurts too bad.” 

“I want to give it a try.”

“I want to jump out of the car.”

And so on and so forth.

Most importantly, I overcame the temptation to jump out of the car and continued along my drive. Secondly, I left the song playing and decided to sing along, just for old times sake (and maybe because some tiny little light inside of me has just not quite gone out yet). And suddenly my mind landed on an image that best captures it all. Here it is: If human beings had to walk around with Facebook relationship statuses protruding from flashing signs above their heads, mine would read, “April Moseley is in a relationship with God and it’s complicated.” 

Yeah, it’s complicated. It’s not peaceful and easy and blissful. It’s not the first place I run and it’s not the brightest spot of my whole day. It’s complicated. It’s not where it used to be and it’s certainly not where it is going to be. It’s just complicated. I want to spend time with Him desperately and I want to push reminders of our time together as far away from me as possible. I want to cling to His every word and I want to plug my fingers in my ears as it is read. I want to spend every single day focusing on nothing but Him and in the same breath, I want to run away because it’s just too hard. 

Basically, if you read through the names of the songs or the choruses of a good Taylor Swift album, you’d get the picture. It’s love and war, desire and fear, my highest highs and my lowest lows. 

But what strikes me most about this today isn’t the fact that I’ve got a lot of unresolved issues with God. For once in this season, I don’t just see the struggle and I don’t just cry over all we’ve lost. I see relationship. Real, true, genuine, authentic relationship. 

And isn’t relationship kinda weird like this anyway? Aren’t the relationships with those closest to you the ones that make you so mad you could swear you are spitting nails and so elated that you know there’s no greater bliss? Isn’t it true that those few people you let in are the ones who have the most power to hurt and heal you? And maybe could it be because they are the ones that matter most? 

I wonder if it’s the same with you and God too. Maybe today you’re in your car and you have to turn off that darn song that used to make you feel so loved because today it makes you feel so much pain. Or maybe you give that song a chance and sing along just for the fun of it but you make a mental note to Him that you just don’t mean it. Or maybe you even sing it with all you have and cherish that time together. I don’t know. But I do know this, to me, all of those options signify relationship. Important relationship. And those are the kind with the most and best complexity of all. 

So here it is for me today: April Moseley is in a relationship with God and it’s complicated. And that’s enough today.