Meandering

Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sailing


Ben Rector penned this beautiful song. It's called Sailboat and it's on his latest album. My husband had downloaded the cd onto my iPod and sent it with me as I flew to the literal other side of the world on a mission trip of sorts. The first time I heard it, I was actually on the plane amidst a long flight from Dubai to the Philippines, and I was stretched out across three seats exhausted, to say the least. So obviously, when I heard it, I cried my eyes out. And I guess you could say that I couldn't handle the way it touched my soul because I turned the album off and couldn't make myself pick it up again for a number of days. The lyrics are as follows:

I feel just like a sailboat
I don't know where I'm headed
But you can't make the wind blow
From a sailboat

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

I'm pretty sure I'm heard
At least I know I'm speaking
But I feel like a fool
Cause I can't hear you listening

But I'm not giving up
Oh I will move on forward
I'm gonna raise my sail
God knows what I'm headed towards

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

The only change I can see
Lost or found, at sea
The only difference is believing I'll make it in

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

Let's be honest, the seven of you who are reading this know my life and my story. And you all know that last year wasn't an easy one. You probably all have a guess at the parts of the song that most led me to tears, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. 

The chorus with the empty horizon and the loneliness, that got me for sure. It's how I knew the writer understood me. But more than that, the phrases of hope are what truly did me in. First for me, it was "The only change I can see… the only difference is believing I'll make it in." That spoke to me of pure faith and conviction in the darkest of nights. 

And then there's the line that has become my Josh and I's mantra ever since. "I'm gonna raise my sail." If you're out in the dark scary waters in your life and you feel like giving up some days, you know the way that hit me. It's the way it's hitting you now. Yeah, maybe it's not what the world looks at as the greatest act of faith. But those of us who have been there, we know. We know that it took every bit of strength and every ounce of courage in your being to put that sail back up today. We know you wanted to leave it down and let the waves take you under for good. But we see you. Amidst the thunderstorm baring down on you and the lightning that seems too close and the winds that keep knocking you over, we see you. Dripping wet with tears and sweat and the downpour, we see you. And as you stand up after being knocked down for the 85th time and as you raise that sail high, we see you. And just so you know, it's the bravest and most faithful thing that I think you and I have ever done. Raise our sail. When only God knows what we're headed toward.

Thursday, January 16, 2014

Progress is Progress.

If you've never been desperate or never plan to be, this is not the post for you. (Hint: you will be. This is the post for you.)
At the time of year where resolutions and goals are swirling, I want to share with you an idea of mine that is revolutionizing my life and my family. Don't be alarmed at the complexity of it now. It's pretty simple really. I call it "Progress is Progress." It's basically the idea that any step you are making/have made is enough to celebrate. In a world where guilt and shame try to piggyback on our every day with each status update and Instagram we see, what if we took the time to pause and celebrate our progress instead of being defeated by our lack of perfection? I know I'm not alone in this. I know you, like me, saw a friend post something today where they were achieving some grand fitness goal. Or you saw someone who set the goal of being more creative this year and have already pretty much started a new business based on all the creative products they have created in the first 16 days of the year. Or you saw the stay at home mom just like you create 815 mind-enriching activities for their one year old from nothing but a pixie stick and a dirty sock. 

If you're like me in my weak moments on social media, you may have started by judging them but then you quickly turned inward and judged yourself. Because you're the one who has the list of a hundred and twelve things you wanted to do better. You're the one who keeps setting the goal of getting in shape but continue choosing pizza and Chuy's over exercising. But here's what I'm saying… What if today, you still went to Chuy's, but you only ate a few chips or you still ate all the chips but you went outside and ran for just 5 minutes? Should you sign yourself up for next month's ironman and interview to be a fitness instructor? Probably not. But did you make progress? Absolutely! That's one step closer to your goal. And that, my friend, is progress. And simply stated, progress is progress… any kind!


Here's another important tidbit to go along with it. I don't get to decide what progress is for someone else. And if you're honest, you know you don't get to either. Progress for one person may not be progress for another. But it doesn't discount how much it was progress for the other. Does that make sense? How about an example... Progress for me yesterday was getting anxious in my car on my way home and being able to pray, even just for a minute. And because there were days last year or even last month that I couldn't pray or that I immediately needed medicine for anxiety, being able to pray for a minute was progress for me. Was I able to meditate for hours on the goodness of the Lord and rest deep in his presence? Honestly... No. But progress is progress. You see?

My friend Dave said something at church on Sunday (Speaking of progress, I was AT church Sunday. That counts too.)... He called us to being patient with each other in our growth. And even patient with ourselves. That's why I'm starting this year celebrating progress. My own and yours. Because it just isn't fair for our feeble human selves to figure it all out perfectly so fast. I know I need the patience from my loved ones as I grow. And I have a hunch that each of you, if you choose to be vulnerable and admit it, could say you need the exact same thing. 

So let's allow ourselves and each other more grace this year than ever before. Because really when you allow yourself to think about it, any progress you've made today really is a big deal. Progress is progress, my dear friend. Tonight, I challenge you to apply that to your life and let it soak in in all the places you most feel you don't deserve to give yourself such grace. My bet is that those are the places that most need this kind of TLC, you know? 

So repeat it with me now… Progress is progress. Progress is progress. Progress is progress.

Ahh, yes. That's grace for yourself now washing over your soul. You deserve it, my friend.

Friday, January 10, 2014

Tree Dancing

It's January 9th. I know my tree is "supposed" to be down by now. I get it. But for me, when I take down the Christmas tree each year, it feels like I'm pulling away from Disney World at the end of the most magical vacation and I'm watching the fireworks from the ferry and I'm just not quite ready to leave. Like maybe I need to stay right there in the magic just one more hour, one more day, one more lifetime. 
Truth is, I never want the magic to end as a day at Disney comes to a close or a whole month of Christmas ends. So I linger in the moments and pray with all my might that the memories light up my soul til I come back next year. That I'll remember the wrapping paper on the floor and the soups on the stove, the babies snuggled on our shoulders and the warm by the fire. The hugs from my grandma and the light in Josh's eyes. It was a long year of pain, but something special happened at Christmas when we slowed down and shared time and love with those most dear. 
So before we take down the ornaments in tomorrow morning's light, I met this sweet man by the tree and danced through tears as we bid goodbye to another Christmas season, another year of heartaches and triumphs. We kissed and laughed and cried, and with all my heart, I did my best to soak it all in. I don't know what this year holds. Probably some heart ache and probably some pain. Hopefully good laughter and likely a few tears. But all I'll ask as I lay down on my pillow tonight is that God will give us another day, another moment like this one. Where we dance in the splendor of the tree light amidst all of our chaos. Another moment or season filled with such magic and sweetness that it makes saying goodbye nearly impossible. And yet, we will do it. Because the moment we see the castle or the mouse, the moment we put up the tree (in 320ish days) is worth every minute of the longing in between. And you know what our plan is for the year? To keep dancing anyway. Even when there's no fireworks and no tree. I have a hunch that in 2014, that same Disney/Christmas magic might just be lurking in the most unexpected places if only we will look closely...