It's Complicated

It’s Saturday. Maybe the world’s most beautiful Saturday weather-wise in the whole world. Or it certainly feels that way seeing as how it is February and we have had some bone-chilling colds this winter. Regardless, it’s gorgeous outside and Mr. Sun came out to shine today like he was made to do it... and uhhh, I think he was. So on this glorious day, what is it that I find myself doing at 7:45 am, you ask? I’m driving to class. Yes, I have an 8 am - 2:45 pm class for the next six Saturdays. You could say I am less than pleased about it. Anyway, I’m driving to school this morning and testing out some of my favorite worship music from college. And on comes the song that was my absolute anthem through my junior and senior year of school. My internal instincts are immediately at war with each other:

“I love this song.” 

“I’m not ready for this song.” 

“I know every word by heart.” 

“Do I believe it though now?” 

“It hurts too bad.” 

“I want to give it a try.”

“I want to jump out of the car.”

And so on and so forth.

Most importantly, I overcame the temptation to jump out of the car and continued along my drive. Secondly, I left the song playing and decided to sing along, just for old times sake (and maybe because some tiny little light inside of me has just not quite gone out yet). And suddenly my mind landed on an image that best captures it all. Here it is: If human beings had to walk around with Facebook relationship statuses protruding from flashing signs above their heads, mine would read, “April Moseley is in a relationship with God and it’s complicated.” 

Yeah, it’s complicated. It’s not peaceful and easy and blissful. It’s not the first place I run and it’s not the brightest spot of my whole day. It’s complicated. It’s not where it used to be and it’s certainly not where it is going to be. It’s just complicated. I want to spend time with Him desperately and I want to push reminders of our time together as far away from me as possible. I want to cling to His every word and I want to plug my fingers in my ears as it is read. I want to spend every single day focusing on nothing but Him and in the same breath, I want to run away because it’s just too hard. 

Basically, if you read through the names of the songs or the choruses of a good Taylor Swift album, you’d get the picture. It’s love and war, desire and fear, my highest highs and my lowest lows. 

But what strikes me most about this today isn’t the fact that I’ve got a lot of unresolved issues with God. For once in this season, I don’t just see the struggle and I don’t just cry over all we’ve lost. I see relationship. Real, true, genuine, authentic relationship. 

And isn’t relationship kinda weird like this anyway? Aren’t the relationships with those closest to you the ones that make you so mad you could swear you are spitting nails and so elated that you know there’s no greater bliss? Isn’t it true that those few people you let in are the ones who have the most power to hurt and heal you? And maybe could it be because they are the ones that matter most? 

I wonder if it’s the same with you and God too. Maybe today you’re in your car and you have to turn off that darn song that used to make you feel so loved because today it makes you feel so much pain. Or maybe you give that song a chance and sing along just for the fun of it but you make a mental note to Him that you just don’t mean it. Or maybe you even sing it with all you have and cherish that time together. I don’t know. But I do know this, to me, all of those options signify relationship. Important relationship. And those are the kind with the most and best complexity of all. 

So here it is for me today: April Moseley is in a relationship with God and it’s complicated. And that’s enough today.

Sailing

Ben Rector penned this beautiful song. It's called Sailboat and it's on his latest album. My husband had downloaded the cd onto my iPod and sent it with me as I flew to the literal other side of the world on a mission trip of sorts. The first time I heard it, I was actually on the plane amidst a long flight from Dubai to the Philippines, and I was stretched out across three seats exhausted, to say the least. So obviously, when I heard it, I cried my eyes out. And I guess you could say that I couldn't handle the way it touched my soul because I turned the album off and couldn't make myself pick it up again for a number of days. The lyrics are as follows:

I feel just like a sailboat
I don't know where I'm headed
But you can't make the wind blow
From a sailboat

I have seen the sun
Felt the rain on my skin
I've been lost and found
But mostly I've been waiting

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

I'm pretty sure I'm heard
At least I know I'm speaking
But I feel like a fool
Cause I can't hear you listening

But I'm not giving up
Oh I will move on forward
I'm gonna raise my sail
God knows what I'm headed towards

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

The only change I can see
Lost or found, at sea
The only difference is believing I'll make it in

Oh I'm out in the waves
I'm hoping and praying
Please let this wind blow me home
Night after night there's and empty horizon
And my God do I feel so alone
Sometimes I, most times I, feel just like a sailboat

Let's be honest, the seven of you who are reading this know my life and my story. And you all know that last year wasn't an easy one. You probably all have a guess at the parts of the song that most led me to tears, but I'm gonna tell you anyway. 

The chorus with the empty horizon and the loneliness, that got me for sure. It's how I knew the writer understood me. But more than that, the phrases of hope are what truly did me in. First for me, it was "The only change I can see… the only difference is believing I'll make it in." That spoke to me of pure faith and conviction in the darkest of nights. 

And then there's the line that has become my Josh and I's mantra ever since. "I'm gonna raise my sail." If you're out in the dark scary waters in your life and you feel like giving up some days, you know the way that hit me. It's the way it's hitting you now. Yeah, maybe it's not what the world looks at as the greatest act of faith. But those of us who have been there, we know. We know that it took every bit of strength and every ounce of courage in your being to put that sail back up today. We know you wanted to leave it down and let the waves take you under for good. But we see you. Amidst the thunderstorm baring down on you and the lightning that seems too close and the winds that keep knocking you over, we see you. Dripping wet with tears and sweat and the downpour, we see you. And as you stand up after being knocked down for the 85th time and as you raise that sail high, we see you. And just so you know, it's the bravest and most faithful thing that I think you and I have ever done. Raise our sail. When only God knows what we're headed toward.

Progress is Progress.

If you've never been desperate or never plan to be, this is not the post for you. (Hint: you will be. This is the post for you.)

At the time of year where resolutions and goals are swirling, I want to share with you an idea of mine that is revolutionizing my life and my family. Don't be alarmed at the complexity of it now. It's pretty simple really. I call it "Progress is Progress." It's basically the idea that any step you are making/have made is enough to celebrate. In a world where guilt and shame try to piggyback on our every day with each status update and Instagram we see, what if we took the time to pause and celebrate our progress instead of being defeated by our lack of perfection? I know I'm not alone in this. I know you, like me, saw a friend post something today where they were achieving some grand fitness goal. Or you saw someone who set the goal of being more creative this year and have already pretty much started a new business based on all the creative products they have created in the first 16 days of the year. Or you saw the stay at home mom just like you create 815 mind-enriching activities for their one year old from nothing but a pixie stick and a dirty sock. 

If you're like me in my weak moments on social media, you may have started by judging them but then you quickly turned inward and judged yourself. Because you're the one who has the list of a hundred and twelve things you wanted to do better. You're the one who keeps setting the goal of getting in shape but continue choosing pizza and Chuy's over exercising. But here's what I'm saying… What if today, you still went to Chuy's, but you only ate a few chips or you still ate all the chips but you went outside and ran for just 5 minutes? Should you sign yourself up for next month's ironman and interview to be a fitness instructor? Probably not. But did you make progress? Absolutely! That's one step closer to your goal. And that, my friend, is progress. And simply stated, progress is progress… any kind!

Here's another important tidbit to go along with it. I don't get to decide what progress is for someone else. And if you're honest, you know you don't get to either. Progress for one person may not be progress for another. But it doesn't discount how much it was progress for the other. Does that make sense? How about an example... Progress for me yesterday was getting anxious in my car on my way home and being able to pray, even just for a minute. And because there were days last year or even last month that I couldn't pray or that I immediately needed medicine for anxiety, being able to pray for a minute was progress for me. Was I able to meditate for hours on the goodness of the Lord and rest deep in his presence? Honestly... No. But progress is progress. You see?

My friend Dave said something at church on Sunday (Speaking of progress, I was AT church Sunday. That counts too.)... He called us to being patient with each other in our growth. And even patient with ourselves. That's why I'm starting this year celebrating progress. My own and yours. Because it just isn't fair for our feeble human selves to figure it all out perfectly so fast. I know I need the patience from my loved ones as I grow. And I have a hunch that each of you, if you choose to be vulnerable and admit it, could say you need the exact same thing. 

So let's allow ourselves and each other more grace this year than ever before. Because really when you allow yourself to think about it, any progress you've made today really is a big deal. Progress is progress, my dear friend. Tonight, I challenge you to apply that to your life and let it soak in in all the places you most feel you don't deserve to give yourself such grace. My bet is that those are the places that most need this kind of TLC, you know? 

So repeat it with me now… Progress is progress. Progress is progress. Progress is progress.

Ahh, yes. That's grace for yourself now washing over your soul. You deserve it, my friend.

Tree Dancing

It's January 9th. I know my tree is "supposed" to be down by now. I get it. But for me, when I take down the Christmas tree each year, it feels like I'm pulling away from Disney World at the end of the most magical vacation and I'm watching the fireworks from the ferry and I'm just not quite ready to leave. Like maybe I need to stay right there in the magic just one more hour, one more day, one more lifetime. 
Truth is, I never want the magic to end as a day at Disney comes to a close or a whole month of Christmas ends. So I linger in the moments and pray with all my might that the memories light up my soul til I come back next year. That I'll remember the wrapping paper on the floor and the soups on the stove, the babies snuggled on our shoulders and the warm by the fire. The hugs from my grandma and the light in Josh's eyes. It was a long year of pain, but something special happened at Christmas when we slowed down and shared time and love with those most dear. 
So before we take down the ornaments in tomorrow morning's light, I met this sweet man by the tree and danced through tears as we bid goodbye to another Christmas season, another year of heartaches and triumphs. We kissed and laughed and cried, and with all my heart, I did my best to soak it all in. I don't know what this year holds. Probably some heart ache and probably some pain. Hopefully good laughter and likely a few tears. But all I'll ask as I lay down on my pillow tonight is that God will give us another day, another moment like this one. Where we dance in the splendor of the tree light amidst all of our chaos. Another moment or season filled with such magic and sweetness that it makes saying goodbye nearly impossible. And yet, we will do it. Because the moment we see the castle or the mouse, the moment we put up the tree (in 320ish days) is worth every minute of the longing in between. And you know what our plan is for the year? To keep dancing anyway. Even when there's no fireworks and no tree. I have a hunch that in 2014, that same Disney/Christmas magic might just be lurking in the most unexpected places if only we will look closely...

Finishing Strong

It's December 31st. The last day of the year. The day everyone reminisces on the year that's passed and dreams of the year that is coming. (Or this year, the day that everyone posts "Flipagrams" on Instagram of 2013 and makes outlandish weight loss goals on Facebook.) And me? I'm right in there with everyone doing similar things. (I even made the Flipagram but haven't gotten up the gumption to post it yet.)
The other thing I did on the afternoon of the last day of the year? I went for a jog. A 3 mile jog. I overcome the feeling in my belly that felt like I couldn't do it. I fought like hell against the words in my head that were telling me that I'm not a runner, I'll never be a runner, and I shouldn't even bother. And I went. To you, maybe that isn't a big deal. To me though? It really was. You see.. I set out to only run one mile because… well… I haven't technically run (or really exercised at all) since the first of the month. And while I was out, one mile turned into two and two turned into three. Don't hear me wrong. Miles don't just add up easy for me. I'm no athlete. And quite frankly, I'm about as weak physically as they come. But I fought for it. I wanted it. I pushed myself. And as I was finishing that last mile, I heard a different voice in my head. I don't know if it was my own or my imagination or someone much greater than me, but it almost felt like it was God. And He was saying, "That's my girl. My April. Do you see her, guys? She has had the hardest year of her whole life, and this is how she is finishing it. Good grief, I'm so proud of her. I told you that you could mess with her, Satan. But I told you that this was how her year would end. I knew she wouldn't give up. Man, I'm so proud of my girl."
And so I cried as I finished that last mile. Because if I'm honest, I did almost give up once or twice along the way this year. It was painful and miserable and hard. And I don't mind saying that I will gladly never relive another day of 2013 in my life. But I'm sitting here proudly on the last day of the year knowing that even while things are still not perfect, I still don't have answers, and life is still freakishly hard some days, I made it this year. I showed up every day, never fully threw in my towel, and I'm five hours away from starting a brand new year full of brand new memories and struggles and joys and pains. And that's enough. I'm enough.
So bring it on, 2014. Throw at me what you will. I've got a power greater than you that knows I'm gonna make it through.

(On second thought, bring on what you will 2014, but let's make this year a little easier and more fun, shall we?)

Washing Dishes with Jesus

Tonight my in-laws came over for dinner. We ate some chili and cornbread, munched on sweets, played a little cards, caught up on each other's lives, and laughed on days gone by. I love having them over. It's relaxing and easy, and because of the way they love each other and us so well, I never feel like I have to impress. And then they leave and go home, and I feel kinda peaceful. It's lovely, really. I wish that everyone felt that way when their in-laws come over.
Anyway, tonight was no different. They left and with a little bit of chili and a little bit of peace in my belly, I started on the dishes. Josh and his baby brother left to start on a project, and it was just me and the dishes left to work on each other. I caught myself half daydreaming, half praying as we worked on each other too. I thought about my friend whose baby boy was born at 26 weeks and wondered how her first Christmas was as a wife and as a new mommy to that tiny little boy. I thought about my friend whose mom moved to town today and wondered how unpacking the truck went and how their new life in the same town will be. I thought about my friends from high school and about when we'd be able to all get together again soon.
And then my thoughts drifted to one friend of mine and stayed there for quite some time. And because of the life she is living and the proud feeling I feel as she conquers the world, it almost felt like I was washing dishes with Jesus. You see.. my friend Autumn is one of the bravest, most amazing women I know. She's on a mission this year to reach people all around the globe with love and Jesus, and I don't think I've ever been more in awe of her in my life.
When we met, she was fifteen and I was eighteen, and we had an instant bond. I just didn't know the sassy, don't-touch-me, braces faced freshman in high school was going to become the woman that she is now. Oh, don't get me wrong. We hit it off and were instant best friends. But now? As she fearlessly travels from country to country and courageously faces her biggest struggles in life in order to become the best version of herself that she could possibly be, I'm truly floored. You see, her heart of pure gold is showing now more than ever before. She is selflessly inviting people into this journey with her, even when it's hard and brings her to tears. And then she does the unthinkable… She lets the tears out and works through them with others and with God. It's unreal.
She's my Autumn. My best friend. My little sister. But if I'm honest, right now it feels more like I'm looking up to her. Like maybe for a little while, she's the big sister. The one with the simultaneous wisdom and faith like a child. The one with the beautiful smile in the picture below whose laughter I miss every day lately. The friend whose heart and life is so rooted in faith right now that when I wash my dishes all alone at the end of a night and I'm daydreaming of her, it feels like maybe… just maybe, I'm washing my dishes with Jesus.

Ski Lodge Livin'

Gift wrapping, 5k running, anxiety fighting, sweater wearing, couch crying, Christmas cooking, book reading, window staring.... This is my life. Well, this weekend at least. And now it’s Sunday morning and I’m sitting at my window seemingly watching the world change outside. It feels like two days ago that this window view was all green and then all fall colors and now, it’s bare. And I’m struck by the fact that just that fast, the seasons change, the world changes, and maybe MAYBE... so do we? 

I mean, even as you just read through the list of things that I claim makes up my life, can you see it? Part of the list seems like I’m having the best life ever. But I’d be remiss to leave off the part where I am fighting anxiety and crying on my couch. Oh, I know. I could leave it off. A lot of people do. But you see, I don’t want people to look at my life and think that I have it all together every day. I want you to know that some days absolutely suck the life out of me and some are so full of joy that I think I could burst. And if I’m honest, a lot of them are in the middle, just mundane and ordinary.

But as I look out my window, I think about how fast the seasons have changed. Wasn’t it only last week that I sat in front of my very first Christmas tree with my sweet husband? And for that matter, wasn’t it last month that I watched all of LOST over Christmas break with my brother just so I would have something to talk about with that sweet (not-even-close-to-being-my) husband man? And even more than that, wasn’t it just last year that my brothers and I decorated our Charlie Brown looking tree in our pajamas while we lived in a trailer on Tater Peeler Road?

Is time flying? I don’t know about you, but from this vantage point, from this window, it goes faster every year. And if I’m not careful, I think the whole thing could zoom right by without me even stopping to notice. Especially in those moments of heartache and grief and anxiety fighting and couch crying. 

But what if I change my perspective? What if this whole life really has something to do with perspective? What if there really is something to all those verses in Scripture about thinking about what is excellent or pure or praiseworthy? What if setting your mind on things above changes everything? What if I could see everything, I mean EVERYTHING, as a gift from the only being who has ever and will ever love me and satisfy me completely? 

So here I sit, at my window. And instead of this being a tiny one-bedroom apartment, I imagine it’s a ski lodge resort. And the scenery is changing all the time, not because life is moving too fast and needs to slow down, but because God has other gifts that He just can’t wait to show me. And I know that when I blink, I’ll be old and gray and probably have wrinkles in places that we never need to discuss on the internet. But what I want to know is that when I am sitting by the window in front of my 50th Christmas tree with my sweet husband, I will have stopped and noticed every season, every gift as it flew right by. Right outside my perfectly imperfect ski lodge view window.